Shenmue II

[LOL]

That review still comes off as dull and robotic, but it's definitely much easier to stomach now that you cut out all the crap. It's a great first step, and one that you should continue with (don't write two reviews, just do one like this).

I'll agree with Burg that it's still not compelling, and I'd say that's the next step you have to work on. The easiest way to fix this is to say things like you mean it. You cop out of forming a solid opinion and instead just generalize to the point that you're not sharing an opinion or writing a review at all, but rather just writing a second instruction manual for the game.

The most obvious example is that when you say one thing ("the graphics show signs of being a DC game"), you play it safe with the next sentence ("the game still looks fantastic"). Readers don't know what to think. Those two sentences would be much more fluid as one such as "Despite the solid framerate and detailed environments, it's still obvious that this is a Dreamcast game." It still says the same thing while not confusing the reader. You wouldn't know what to think if I critiqued your reviews by saying "This is the best review ever. Please fix it because it sucks."

It's a review and it's supposed to express your opinion. Say something and mean it. Your writing will instantly become more compelling, and the reader will have an easier time understanding your point of view.

I'll reiterate for you that this is much better and not offensive to read like all of your other directionless rants. Keep going down this path.

[Tyler_Durden]

This is shorter, but it's still boring as fuck and riddled with cliches.

Originally posted by Jeremy
What this means to you as a player is that you’re in for a game with very tight controls.

More excessively wordy bullshit. It's like you're trying to make the review as long as possible in an attempt to literally bore your readers to death.

You could say the same thing simply:

The controls are tight.

Or with a little more flavor:

The controls are tighter than my Bingo-addicted mother's cunt, and she hasn't been fucked in fifteen years.

[Jeremy]

Tyler, your last comment is pushing it just a TAD.
Thanks for the review comments though, and yes, Ninjas, thank YOU for yours as well. Never thought I'd say that, of course, I also never thought I'd see them presented from you in a way that I could find useful. I don't mind being proven wrong in this case.

[sleeve]

Now that Jeremy has followed our advice, I'm going to remind you all to keep the comments productive. This isn't FC.

As omfgninjas pointed out, you need to be less wishy-washy in your assessments. If you think the graphics in Shenmue II look dated, just say so. Don't hedge.

Also, be specific when describing the game. As MVS once told you, try to make the reader feel like he's playing the game. You don't have to do this literally, but when describing things like graphics, give us examples of scenes you found particularly stunning. What was stunning about them? What did they look like? How did a particular scene make you feel? This review is a lot less wordy, but it's painfully lacking in specifics.

You also need to be ruthless about editing the cliches from your reviews. Take note of how many I removed.

Give me your email address so I can send you a copy of your edited review. I'd like you to make these changes and add a little bit more substance to the review, but keep your total word count under 800 words.

[burgundy]

You can say everything you want to say in a review if you write more efficiently. Tyler's comments, while vulgar, are valid - never use ten words when four will do, unless you have a really good reason.

[Mr_Furious]

Jeremy, the best thing you can do is listen to Frogacuda's advice. Cover lesser known games and whether you're boring or not, you'll be more informative (which seems to be your #1 goal here).

[Omni]

Originally posted by burgundy
never use ten words when four will do, unless you have a really good reason.

Tell that to Thomas Hardy.

[Jeremy]

Mr. Furious, I feel ya. Like I said, I'll probably stick to just Magic Pengal and RaH, while still giving those who want it a smaller review to read through.

[Rumpy]

For the sake of my curiousity Jeremy, are you plannig for a career in writing (being a journalist, newspapers, magazines)?

[Jeremy]

Right now, I'm not able to plan for a career in anything.