Spy Kids 3D

[MechDeus]

So my theater has Spy Kids 3D and we decided to run a personal midnight showing the other night. Since I'm sure almost no one else here would even contemplate watching this, I'm gonna go all out in describing this.

Obviously, it's in the 3D, requiring the old-fashioned red/blue glasses that make you feel like you're wearing half-assed sunglasses. To match up, the characters in the movie also have glasses done in the same design, and if they're wearing the glasses you should be too. This is accompanied by a large block of text onscreen displaying "GLASSES ON" so that the intended viewing audience can have some chance at figuring out when the characters are putting on their glasses.

The acting: Terrible. The plot: Horrendous. The special effects: Laughable. Idiocy factor: Through the roof. BUT, this is a we-know-we're-cheesy-so-we-won't-stop-for-anything sort of deal. A Freddy vs. Jason no-holds-barred deal in the way of script cliches. This is refined bad cinema, taking all the worst possible aspects of modern films and doing their best to keep a straight face.

We've got a story about kids that are spys being dragged into a bad videogame whereupon the audience is assaulted by tons of fine actors behaving in ways they probably haven't since trying to scrounge up their first gig. The defining moment in that regard has to be during the credit sequence, in which George Clooney does an admittedly awesome impersonation of Sylvester Stallone, followed by him breaking into laughter and saying, "This will be the end of my career." The videogame itself is a mixture of every movie cliche regarding videogames ever created, and is titled "Game Over." You may feel free to cringe now.

Nevertheless, the cheese lives on. They revel in their silliness, with Juny (or however you spell his name) bringing his Grandpa into the game who does nothing but convienently show up and rescue Juny's ass whenever need be. An AI program cries for no reason and helps those she was supposed to kill, all while a little boy tries hitting on her. Stallone gets to argue with three clones of himself, including some spiritual master version always going on about peace and happiness. The city gets assaulted by a giant robot that has a perfect replica of Stallone's head on it - all I could think of during that scene was, "I too want a robotic Sylvester Stallone head when I try to take over the world."

And then comes the prattling of The Guy. In some freakish Matrix-gone-wrong prophecy, all the kids talk about is how The Guy is supposed to show up and lead them to destiny... through the unwinnable level! So they all keep trying to figure out if Juny is The Guy, except it turns out to be Frodo Baggins! Yeah, he shows up in this! Taller then everyone else, to boot! Although all he really does is get show up, knock over a wall and get killed, it was random enough to be beautiful.

But not as beautifully random as the ending. For whatever unexplained reason, the Toymaker gets free and begins assaulting the real world with giant robotic apes, which can only be seen by wearing the special glasses (of course). Thus Antonio Banderas springs into overly-dramatic action with rocket shoes, appearing with gigantic text "DAD." This is followed suit with "MOM," "GRANDMA," the tatooed Spanish guy from From Dusk Til Dawn and Desperado, Cheech Marin, and Steve Buscemi on a flying pig. Let me tell you, this was one of the most beautiful moments in cinema history. You haven't lived until you've watched this scene in 3D, and then witnessed grandpa shoot off in his rocket wheelchair and deliver the cheesiest lines since... well, Freddy vs. Jason is running simultaneously, so it hasn't been that long.

I realize all of none of you have bothered to read all this, but if I can convince even one of you to rent or download this and find some glasses my life will feel that much more complete. I'd offer anyone who comes to visit my theater a free seat, but the 4th the last day we're showing it and I won't be working (although I will be there to watch My Boss's Daughter). If you're a fan of bad cinema, you must see this movie. Oh, this movie is also twice as good if you just keep telling yourself, "The man who created this is the same man who made Desperado."

[voltz]

maybe FvsJ would have benefitted from the 3D...

[Despair]

Man, Mech that was hillarious. Now I got to watch that, especially for Robot Monkey assault and flying pig !!!!

And Frodo and THe Guy from Matrix wanna be

I still think that Rodriguez is very talented filmaker, and I cant wait till Once Upon A Time In Mexico hitting the screens next week, and I think that Spy Kids series, was his fun, dont take anything serious project. Afterall its a kids movie, however bad it is.

[kabuki]

I now want to go see this. But I'll restrain myself.

[Regus]

Kid Chameleon: The Motion Picture.

My little sister saw this, and when she came home and showed me what the 3d glasses looked like I was completely put off. They went with the eye gouging red/blue color scheme instead of that clear looking 3d glasses style that you get when you see something in 3d at Disney World.

Mech, is it true this movie is filled with video game references?

[Prince Planet]

Actually, I've taken my kids to see all three Spy Kids movies. The first one was a cute, occasionally funny kid's movie -- I actually enjoyed it. The second one (with a much bigger budget) was much heavier on the effects, but wasn't nearly as clever -- still fairly entertaining for a kid's movie.

The third film, of which you now speak, was goddamned atrocious. Incredibly so. Good thing my kids are too young to be offended by utter tripe.

[MechDeus]

I now want to go see this. But I'll restrain myself.

Give in to the dark side!

Mech, is it true this movie is filled with video game references?

You mean besides the fact that 90% is inside a giant videogame? Yeah, it does have a number of videogame references, but they're far and few between. Some of them are interesting because they're done by combining words in sentences so they're there without actually being there (along the lines of, "Are you playing through this game, boy?"), but others are not as "clever" such as them bitching about how videogames always have a lava level (this was immediately followed by a kid who has to be a TNL regular as he refuted that and began trying to list games that don't have lava levels).

[cka]

Read that Spy Kids 3D article on TNL!