X-Men 3: News and info thread

**Dolemite** · 08 Apr 2005, 10:57 AM

Originally Posted by voltz

Will they go all the way where she destroys an entire solar system and commits suicide, then we see the real Jean Grey return?

Yup. Then the movie should also cover Scott Summers getting married to what eventually turns out to be an evil clone of Jean, then when the real Jean returns he leaves his wife and starts up X-Factor with Jean, Beast and Angel, then they break up and re-join the X-Men, and then the X-Men and the New Mutants should go and fight Loki in Asgard and then they should fly off into space to fight the Brood. That should take care of the first half of the movie, but what about the rest?

**Drewbacca** · 08 Apr 2005, 11:05 AM

The rest of the movie should be a tear jerker with Jean Grey giving birth to a baby thought to be Scott's, but when it comes out we see that it is Juggernauts baby. The baby, in infancy, is more powerful than all the X-Men combined. It has a friendly disposition and eventually it turns into a family drama with the baby coming between their shaky marriage.

There's also a pretty hot scene involving Beast and Storm. They're stranded in the desert with nothing but one canteen and an umbrella. Beast kills Storm to save on rations.

**Dolemite** · 08 Apr 2005, 11:21 AM

Then Wolverine should fall in love with a Sentinel, and the two run off to be alone with their forbidden love in an attempt to procreate. Impossibly, they succeed, and a hedious half-human/half-Sentinel adamantium baby is born, although Logan's precious Sentinel, L-119947733XGG33302894DJKDKK-001, dies in childbirth. Wolverine goes insane with grief and eats his own head. The baby joins up with Jean and Juggernaut's baby and they fight crime and injustice as the Ass Masters.

**Drewbacca** · 08 Apr 2005, 12:22 PM

Soon the Ass Masters find themselves up to their knee's in crap, due to their hideout being in the sewers and they decide to find themselves an old man to mooch off of like they did previously with Professor X. They find a man who's name is Zack. They quickly inform them his name is now Professor Z, two better than Professor X. They also snap his spinal column in effort to cause him paralysis below the waste to force him into a wheelchair like their old mentor, which they thought was a good look for an old timer, but botch it and end up causing him paralysis below the neck. In an effort to help the man they fuse the broken parts of Wolverines love with his spinal column. It works, until the dead spirit of Wolverines lover takes over his body and mind.

Wolverine is confused about what to feel, loyalty or love, and the two eventually end up getting back together. Cyclops pokes out his own eyes at the sight of the old man and Wolverine going at it, ruining his ability. Without his cool powers Jean Grey kicks him to the curb and phones Juggernaut to inform him about his child. Juggernaut, surprisingly, becomes a stand-up Dad and can be seen throwing the ball around with his young son

**Dolemite** · 08 Apr 2005, 01:26 PM

Then Cyclops' brother, Havok, newly released from prison after serving a term for pedophilia, is welcomed back with open arms into the X-Mansion and, due to his years of combat experience, is put in change of the Power Pack, a team consisting of young pre-teens just coming to grips with their budding alien-born superpowers and whom are aimless, just looking for a strong adult presence to guide and shape them. Shortly, Havok is arrested again, but is broken out of jail by Apocalypse and Bruce Willis, who thought it would be a good idea to team up because of Willis' smash hit Playstation game Apocalypse, which unbeknownst to the general public, the mutant-behind-closed-doors Willis had named it after the shapeshifting mutant supervillain but due to licensing issues, was unable to include his likeness. Havok teams up with the evil duo, which brings them directly into combat with the Ass Master's leader, Professor Z. Since Z is a normal human with no powers, in addition to being paralyzed from the neck down, the only resistance he is able to offer is to defecate uncontrollably, and even that was inadvertant due to his condition. Professor Z is killed horribly by Bruce Willis, utilizing a mutant power techinique dubbed the "Rusty Trombone." The Ass Masters, griefstricken at their loss, team up with Juggernaut and Z's new lover Wolverine to seek out the horrific trio.

Meanwhile, Cyclops, who had lapsed into a drunken stupor after being dumped by Jean Grey and self-blinded, and was living on the street making money by renting out the use of his gutted eyesockets to lonely men with $5, heard on a nearby radio the fate of Professor Z at the hands of his brother and his cohorts. Determed to clear the family name, he shakes the remaining seminal fluid from his ocular cavities and stumbles out into street, only to be instantly run over by a truck.

**Drewbacca** · 08 Apr 2005, 02:57 PM

Gold!

The team is all but out of ideas after each attempt to foil the criminal activities is foiled itself. Suspicions begin to rise that there is, indeed, a mole hanging around the Ass Masters that needs to be cut loose. The team begins to endlessly suspect and accuse one another. Weeks of foilage and accusations finally came to a head when, at the teams weekly pancake breakfast, Jean Grey accused Juggernauts son of treason. The child looked to his father for support only to find him uninterested in anything that wasn't made of flour and soaked in delicious Canadian maple syrup. As the turmoil ensued the team of Willis, Apocalypse and Havok snuck into the base, realizing this was their one chance to pee in the pillow cases of their nemesis'.

They did so, and later that evening each superhero, bruised and beaten from the pancake breakfast massacre, began to suspect that their team members had deficated in their room, somehow. Eventually the smell was so brutal that each team member went to the kitchen to get away, Jean Grey especially seeing as though Apocalypse left a huge cleveland steamer underneath her matress. The team was about to fall apart when Cyclops, in a full body cast, sitting in a wheelchair commandingly told them to get their act together. He wheeled out from the shadows to make himself a cool reveal. He removed his sunglasses with the one good arm he had left to show the team his brand new eyeballs. New to him anyway.

"I stole them from a hooker." he remarked "They don't work very well." The team had never been prouder of their sissy leader. When he took the eyes of what one could only assume was a dead prostitute somewhere he took back his pride. Cyclops was back. But then he became overly confident in his newfound manliness and decided to show the team what strength was by standing up. As he did the recently re-set broken bones snapped under the pressure. The confidence of Cyclops new beautiful eyeballs had been shattered with his knee caps. The team sluggishly passed the fallen, rything body of their former leader, knowing fully well that the enemy had won. Or had they? Little did they know Nightcrawler was on his way to town, travelling amongst a circus.

**Dolemite** · 08 Apr 2005, 05:01 PM

Nightcrawler quietly reflected on brighter times, while shoveling the huge, wet, seeping, maggot infested pile of elephant feces. He remembered the family he left behind. The X-Men. For years, Nightcrawler, AKA Kurt Wagner, had been an outcast, called a demon by frightened townsfolk in his native Germany. With blue skin, three-fingered hands and feet, and a tail, you couldn't say he didn't look the part. Then Professor Charles Xavier offered him a chance where Kurt, and others of his kind, had a place to feel welcomed and accepted for who they were, and to make a difference in a world that feared and hated them. Once at Professor X's mansion, however, Xavier noticed that Kurt was a bit on the flabby side, useless in combat, so he put him on a strict liquid diet and told him he would have to go into seculsion and could only join the team one he had reached his target weight. For a time, his only contact with his new teammates and means of nourishment was through a small round hole in the wall, only three inches wide. But after several months, Kurt emerged and became one with his new family- the X-Men.

Kurt missed his teammates. He began to feel foolish for leaving them and following his dream of being a circus preformer, despite getting all the animal waste he wanted to sleep in at night. He missed combating evil. He missed making a difference. He missed his hole in the wall, the sound of Peter Rasputin grunting "Da! Da! By Lenin's beard!" Realizing that the circus' train was close to the X-Men's headquaters, and remembering reading in the newspaper he was given as toilet paper of an X-Men spin-off team called the Ass Masters that was in trouble as of late, Nightcrawler took a handful of juicy dung as a memento, teleported from the stinky, shit encrusted elephant stable he called home with a smoky "BAMF", and headed out into the night to seek them out.

Cyclops lay in a broken heap. The Ass Masters regarded him with disgust and walked off to their quarters. Through the dim, blurry vision afforded to him by the dead hooker's AIDS-infected eyeballs, he could barely make out the distorted image of a random teammate standing over him and urinating. The warm, bubbly sensation washed over him, along with the realization that Scott Summers, Cyclops, former leader of the X-Men, had reached, while not the lowest point of his life, it was perhaps, say, the 17th or 18th lowest point. The unseen teammate that suddenly started violating him from behind wasn't helping either.

Meanwhile, Apocalypse, Bruce Willis, and Havok gloated over their apparent victory from the comfort of their new fortress, paid for by the earnings of Willis' smash hit movie Hostage. While the three of them recorded a group commentary track for the movie's DVD release, they plotted their master plan...