Originally Posted by
Dolemite
Professor Charles Xavier cut an impressive figure as he rolled out of the X-Mansion in his wheelchair. Aged, yet virile, his bald head gleaming in the moonlight, his presence was both comforting yet chilling to Cyclops. Comforting because this man was like the father he never had, who had raised him and taught him in the use of his powers. Chilling because, at their last meeting, Cyclops had been responsible for the accidental removal of the Professor's genitals. This naturally led to some bad feeling between the two, because while the Professor was paralyzed from the waist down, it didn't mean that his junk wasn't in working order and that he didn't still like getting' it on with tha bitches 24/7 flowin' semen in da house, in da hizzie. Fo chizzie. Cyclops was worried that Professor X would take sudden bloody vengeance upon his former student, and rightfully so, but the Professor's face softened with compassion and he again became the fatherly figure he had grown up with. "Kurt," Charles said. "Take Scott up to the med lab. I'll nurse him back to health. Don't worry Scott…you- you're home." The two had a tearful embrace and Scott Summers finally felt that his fortunes were finally turning up.
Apocalypse and Havok were duly impressed by Bruce Willis' hypnotic ice cream and how totally it had overridden the will of the passer-by they had kidnapped and tested it upon. Little did they know that said passer-by was Magneto, mutant master of magnetism, whose power of self-motivation was completely subverted by the creamy goodness of Willis' evil confectionary creation. But deep within Magneto's mind, in the one area still capable of independent thought, he scolded himself for once again getting himself into a jam such as this. Upon seeing a huge, buff, blue guy, a guy in a tight black body stocking, and a bald guy he last recalled seeing with a ball-gag in his mouth in some movie where a black guy took it up the pooper from some hick sheriff all hugging in the middle of the street, Magneto felt compelled to give in to his homophobic feelings and tell them how gay they all looked, not knowing they were super villains who would use him as a guinea pig in their horrible mind-control experiments. You see, despite knowing first hand the ugly face of prejudice with his treatment as a Jew at the hands of WWII Nazi Germany, he still hated faggots. The greatest anger Magneto ever felt in his life was not when he was forced to watch his parents, sister and beloved doggie Woofie slowly fed into Adolph Hitler's personal wood-chipper during an episode of Germany's most popular reality sit-com, "Jew bet'cha!", but when that knobgobbling homo Ian McKellen was announced to be playing him in that shitty X-Men movie. Magneto couldn't believe it, and fresh with rage upon hearing the announcement he saw the trio hugging like fudgepackers and had to voice his displeasure. Now he was force-fed Bruce Willis' delicious ice cream…it was vanilla, the type with the little flakes of the vanilla bean throughout it, and it had nuts…almonds? Not sure, perhaps cashews. Have to remember to ask. And cherries, and a wondrous fudge ribbon. It was almost worth giving up his free will to eat it. But he was Magneto, lord of magnetism and savior of the mutant race. He was not one to be made to clean Apocalypse's disgusting overflowing toilet, or picking the lint out of Havok's toenails with his tongue, or administering Happy Endings to Bruce Willis after giving him a shiatsu massage, but here he was doing it without hesitation. With the last shred free will he had, Magneto began to plan his revenge…
Cyclops woke up. He found himself shackled and gagged to a gleaming metal platform, his legs spread eagled and a giant rotating drill bit aimed directly for his crotch. He looked around in alarm- his hooker eyeballs, that he and acquired after murdering a prostitute named Betty who had been walking the streets simply trying to feed her 12 starving children, were getting more adjusted to Cyclops' mutant metabolism- and noticed Professor X looming over him, an evil grin on his face. "TURN ME INTO A MOTHERFUCKING KEN DOLL, WILL YOU SCOTT SUMMERS?!?!?" he cackled manically. "NOW IT'S MY TURN TO DRILL OUT YOUR JIMMY JUNK, BIIIIITCH!!" With the press of a button, the drill started lowering towards Cyclops' groin. Cyclops started begging for mercy, but there was none to be found in the cold, cold eyes of Charles Xavier, a man who had once melted Angel's wings off with acid because he had forgotten to put the cap back on the toothpaste for a second time. Nightcrawler heard the cries for help and raced into the room. "Mein gott! Vat ist eet vat u are dooink, Herr Professor!!" he exclaimed. "I'm taking this fucker's balls, that's what I'm doing, you stupid Kraut! He destroyed my schlong! It's gone!! At superhero leader conferences they make fun of me now! That cocksucker Mr. Fantastic called me Professor Eunuch! I'm gonna drill Cyclops like I'm looking for fucking OIL!" "Nien, Herr Professor!" Nightcrawler retorted. "Dis ist Cyclops! He being like son to you! You two share great many thing together! You haft to look past zis matter and tink of der common good! Right now der Ass Masters need your help against der greater menace dan ve haf ever met before! Please, ve need Cyclops' help! Tink about vat you are dooink!" Professor X thought for a moment. He remembered a time when he found a young boy, naked, trembling, starving, vaporising children and nuns with his just blossoming optic blasts. He clothed the child, fed him, taught him in the use of his powers, how to be a man. How to be with a man. A leader, grooming him to take over as field leader of his X-Men. It proved to be a success, and he thought of the success it could once again be against this new threat of A & H's Emporium of Ice Cream and Frozen Delights. As the drill bit started turning Cyclops' naughty bits into mulch, spraying the room with blood and semen, Professor X pressed the stop button. He would heal his former student, teach him how to channel his optic blasts through his new VD-strewn streetwalker eyeballs and return him to his former glory, and then the final assault on evil would begin...
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