B-movies: Hits and Misses

**Revoltor** · 05 Dec 2004, 06:09 AM

Ok, it's 4am, bored as fuck. Just finished watching the Golden Child for the 50th time. It's thread time.

Originally Posted by Joe Bob Briggs

What are the elements that make for a great B-movie?

I can't believe you asked me that question. Why, a child of eight knows the answer to that question. It's the three B's: Blood, Breasts and Beasts

I work the graveyard shift at a downtown inn. All in all there's about 40 minutes of real work and 7 hours and 20 minutes of downtime. Fret not, the tv in the office has HBO and Showtime. What seems like a blessing though is a curse in disguise. HBO and Showtime reserve the late night hours for some of the lamest movies in their libraries.

Well..."lame" for the common man that is. You see, I love watching drek (well, most drek). As long as it isn't boring, I'm game. House of the Dead, totally awesome (as well as the worst movie I've ever seen)

I present an expanding list of personal favorites and notable attrocities:

Cyborg
Vandamme plays some kind of Road Warrior character whose mission is to find the cure for some plague threatening the world. The catch is that the cure is carried by some cyborg chick who was kidnapped by unruly outworld punks.

There's a ton of back story including a rediculous flashback involving a child having to hold tight to a piece of barbwire supporting her parents who happen to be dangling over a deep well. Let me not spoil how that turned out

Along the way Van Damme even gets crucified and left for dead in the middle of the desert.

I know I've painted a pretty bad picture but rest assured, it rocks. Every fight scene in this movie is so rediculous you'll wonder why they put it in the action section of the videostore. I mean look at VanDamme's rival. He's so big and bad he spends half of the movie just screaming and pumping up for no reason. The man is in serious need of chill pills.

For the 3 VanDamme fans out there, yes the VanDamme kick is here and in full use.
@@@1/2 out of 5

Fortress
Chris Lambert plays a prisoner stuck in of the biggest baddest prisons ever made. Every inmate is implanted with an explosive device insuring that crossing "the red line" will prove lethal.

Stuart Gordon of "Re-animator" fame directed this and it definitely shows--the movie rocks total ass! Laser cannon shots leaving huge holes in people, cyborg soldiers getting torn from limb to limb, stomachs exploding, Chris Lambert glaring like a retard. It's awesome.
@@@@ out of 5

Sidekicks
Recently deceased kid from "Ladybugs" stars as an asthmatic loser who suffers from some kind of brain damage as well. It seems no matter what mudane task he's doing, his imaginary friend/hero Chuck Norris pops up and helps him out. Of course back in reality everone gets freaked out a bit.

I was never that big a Chuck Norris fan but this movie is magical. The defining scene has to be when Ladybugs kid has to climb to the top of a rope in gym class. He can't do it because he's a spaz. All of a sudden Chuck Norris pops up on a rope opposite to him. He shows him proper foot placement and basically teaches him how to climb a rope. Ladybugs does it and everyone is like "wow!".

Moments after getting off the rope the beat him up and bust his respirator up IIRC.

It's a fun movie and I'm sure If I wanted I could write a 10 page paper on Ladybug's horrible psychological disorder.

@@@1/2 out of 5

Midnight Ride
Michael Dudikoff (a new favorite of mine) plays a cop who breaks up with his girl. Along the way while the girl drives away, she picks up a hitchhiker played by Mark Hammil. Turns out the guy is a psychopath and well...look who comes running back to papa.

What sells this movie for me are scenes like the one where Dudikoff is chained to the roof of a car while being driven wrecklessly through a highway by Hammil. I think Hammil is supposed to be some kind of second rate Norman Bates but it works really well anyway. Fun character if anything.

I don't really have much else to say about Midnight Ride except that seeing Mark Hammil in any movie other than Star Wars is a sad thing.
@@1/2 out of 5

That's all for now. I had to rush things a bit so expect some additions and edits in the future

FX · 05 Dec 2004, 07:21 AM

Get Death Race 2000. Enjoy it. It's a definite hit.

**animegirl** · 05 Dec 2004, 10:28 AM

Fortress is awesome. The shit that blows up in their stomach was called the "Intestinator". The movie is cheesy as hell, but is entertaining.

**Rumpy** · 05 Dec 2004, 10:29 AM

Man, they made like 3 Fortress movies. And Sidekicks was a riot. I think I saw that in theatres.

**adol** · 05 Dec 2004, 10:51 AM

Cyborg was originally supposed to be the sequel to Masters of the Universe.

One of my favorite B-action movies is Revenge of the Ninja AKA Ninja 3. It's got Sho Kosugi. He's a Ninja. There's some plot about a heroin ring, but who cares? Sho Kosugi+Ninja=Awesome.

**MVS** · 05 Dec 2004, 11:23 AM

Starship Troopers is a fantastic B-Movie.

Though, for 80's schlock mayhem, I have to give the nod to My Science Project, which still rules.

70's gets the 2 Charlton Heston classics, The Omega Man and Soylent Green.

**Revoltor** · 05 Dec 2004, 11:55 AM

I've seen clips of Deathrace 2000 and it really looks like my bag. The scene was something like "Hey make a left, it's an old folks home. They're worth more points" and then all you see are canes and walkers fly up in the air. Stallone is in it too.

Verhoeven is king when it comes to schlock cinema. Total Recall and Robocop being top examples. Heavy violence and high cheese compliment each other really well in a lot of his movies. It's hard to find anything wrong with the aforementioned.

Arnold's a clod but holy shit, is he Quaid or is he really Hauser? Officer Murphy's job is to protect the innocent but why the hell did he destroy half the liquor store owner's store?

When you border the rediculous with tight storytelling and pacing, you can forgive the stupid shit that goes on in a lot these movies. By the time you realize a plot hole, you've either got a three titties in your face or Robocop fighting the ED-209 Ray Harryhausen-style.

It simply doesn't matter anymore.