Demons At The Door

[Dolemite]

Now, the only reason I even bothered to rent this piece of shit is because I know someone who's actually in it. If you've seen my 2005 Arnold Classic picture thread, you saw the picture of ninja-me with this chap:



He's pro bodybuilder and budding actor Bob Cicherillo. He's been on episodes of Charmed and Malcom in the Middle, he played Lou Ferrigno in "See Arnold Run" and if you watch Dodgeball the Movie you'll see him in the Globo Gym commercial in the beginning of the film (he's doing preacher curls and Ben Stiller pats him on the back). Anyway, he made this low-budget horror movie a year or two ago but it was sort of sitting in limbo with no distrubution. While bullshitting with him at the Arnold Classic at the beginning of this month, I asked what was going on with the movie, and he told me that it was going straight-to-video and Blockbuster should have it any day now. So, last night I finally got around to renting this...um...movie.

Bob, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I knew something was wrong when the biggest text blurb on the cover of the DVD case touted that the soundtrack included songs by Insane Clown Posse (gag). Then I really knew something was wrong when Blockbuster misspelled his name on the rental box as "Bobo Cicherillo" (LOL).

Then I actually watched the movie.

This HAS to be the lowest budget movie ever made. It HAS to be. The CG in the opening credits actually glitches several times alone. Despite being a DVD release the video quality looked like a VHS tape from 1973 that's been played 1,000,000 times. The plot involves Satan wanting to invade Earth and this team of marines/researchers in the desert who have an amulet that could help/stop him. Or something. The movie starts with some lone Arab terrorist showing up to attack the researchers and the following piece of brilliant dialogue is exchanged:

"Don't you Americans have, how you say, BALLS?!?"

"Drop the gun and I'll show you more balls than you can swallow!!"



Eventually, Bobby C shows up, playing an Angel named Uriel:



Um, yeah. Bob must really want to be a movie star in the worst way.

The Marines mistake him for another terrorist ('cause all Arabs dress like Roman Gladiators) and attack him, the highlight of the battle being one guy trying to stab Bob and his combat knife EXPLODING when it hits his chest in the worst CG effect ever seen. Well, at least until a super crappy CG SATAN shows up two seconds later and Bob saves them. Then they join forces against the DEMONS AT THE DOOR!!!

I can't go on. I've rambled about this feces-encrusted movie enough already. Bob, why did you appear in this retarded movie? I really need to give him all the shit I can the next time I see him. Well, at least the movie gave me some really, really good laughs amid the pain.

Jeez.

[Scourge]

"Drop the gun and I'll show you more balls than you can swallow!!"

What? You've never used this line before?

[Grey's Anatomy]

[img]
the highlight of the battle being one guy trying to stab Bob and his combat knife EXPLODING when it hits his chest in the worst CG effect ever seen.

That alone makes me want to see it.

[Shine]

Rental +1