Regarding the Acquisition of Hats

[rezo]

Alright, I'll stop it there then; thanks. I want some kind of silent spread after the morning scene, but I'm not going to work on it again for a month and a half(still have to touch up some spreads and such) so hopefully I'll come up with something over that time. Maybe just show some people walking through the park he was in or something.

[Drewbacca]

The silent scene you have with the man walking through the crowd is good as it is because it doesn't show his face, and no telling attributes besides his top hat, and the colour black in a sea of pastel colours, which is his most notable trait.

Just cut the second last page and you should be good to go.

[Finch]

Andrew, you did it! I agree! I agree!

[rezo]

The silent scene you have with the man walking through the crowd is good as it is because it doesn't show his face, and no telling attributes besides his top hat, and the colour black in a sea of pastel colours, which is his most notable trait.

Just cut the second last page and you should be good to go.

Ah, ok. I checked your last post and it pointed to page 14 instead of the very last image so I thought you wanted me to use the cafe scene... but without text.and that seemed strange

[Drewbacca]

My bad. I was trying to watch The Office while typing it out, so please do not think of me as a big useless lout.

Yes, just cut the cafe scene and the story is complete. All of the girls and boys are surely in for a treat.

The rhymes are amazing and the art so delightful, but best of all is how the comic is so insightful.

To keep this piece of literature from them would be tantamount to peccadillo. I love this book, keep up the good work Rezo.

[Sqoon]

Love love love the artwork, of course.

But the writing needs work. Besides some spelling errors, it needs to be much tighter. There's an endless amount of "and"s and "then"s which choke the rhythm of the story, making it too cloying and drawn out. The habit to over-guide the reader is probably the biggest pratfall I've seen in children's fabulism. The reason Gorey (and Steig and Dahl and Silverstein and Seuss, for that matter) is that they allowed the action to come out on its own, making sure it wasn't pulled down by filler words.

The first three or so pages are perfect. Terse and precious. But then it spirals out of control as the action gets more complicated. The ones that really jumped out at me:

Pg 3: "Yes, he sure was proud of his brand new hat / when suddenly, something took it"
Conflicting tenses and actions. "Yes, he was standing there proud of his brand new hat" or some kind of verb in the first line would be correct.

Pg 5: "Appendagless and in despair / stalwartly, the boy perservered / imagining what new type of life he could lead / he fashioned a home high up in a tree"
Even though it's a poem, I think it would benefit a lot from punctuation considering the complexity of it. Put the adverb in the middle of the line gives it a much better flow.

"Appendagless and in despair
the boy stalwartly perserved:
Imagining what new type of life he could lead"


pg 9: "It placed the objects on the ground / donned the cap / swung the mighty bat around / and revelled in the whooshing sound / it created with each swing"
Move the "and" to the third line and it puts emphasis on the swinging of the bat which is the strongest action of the paragraph:

"It placed the objects on the ground,
donned the cap,
and swung the mighty bat around,
revelling in the whoosing sound
created with each swing"


pg 10: "And then Suzie's bat chimed in, and said: / "I am far too mighty to be swung by you!" / And on this point did the sportsmen all agree / that they all existed to be enjoyed by a little girl / named Suzie."
This stanza's full of needless repetition.

Suzie's bat chimed in, and said:
"I am far too mighty to be swung by you!"
On this point did the sportsmen agree
that they existed to be enjoyed by a little girl
named Suzie


I hope you see what I'm getting at. Please don't hate me.

This shouldn't end with "that it was morning." It's a nice line accompnying the best drawing in the book, but ending it there would make the story too ethereal and light. I can see why you want to continue after this page though I'm not too sure of the ending as is. The silent spread sounds like a good direction.

[Drewbacca]

How heavy do you want the ending to be? Aren't you afraid that giving the ending more heft will really accentuate the head lopping other, less obvious undertones of the piece?

I'm a fan of whimsicle and light, myself, so I can't say I am not biased towards the ending suggested.

[rezo]

I hope you see what I'm getting at.

Yeah. When I go through and rewrite it I'll probably follow your suggestions on rephrasing things along with cutting down the text on the 12th spread since its pretty redundant.

[Sqoon]

How heavy do you want the ending to be? Aren't you afraid that giving the ending more heft will really accentuate the head lopping other, less obvious undertones of the piece?

I'm a fan of whimsicle and light, myself, so I can't say I am not biased towards the ending suggested.

I should've been more specific: I was referring to structure, rather than tone or subject.

"Dream start --> dream end" doesn't really work. There always has to be a balance.

"Dream start --> dream end --> real world" works much better. However, it's kind of hard with this story since essentially the dream itself becomes its own character. That's why I think the silent spread rezo mentioned is a good direction: it grounds us back to here (and in turn gives more weight to the dream), but without destroying the atmosphere the previous 15 pages established.

[Salsashark]

This shouldn't end with "that it was morning." It's a nice line accompnying the best drawing in the book, but ending it there would make the story too ethereal and light. I can see why you want to continue after this page though I'm not too sure of the ending as is. The silent spread sounds like a good direction.

I agree in totality. As amazing as that scene is it's not enough to end on, and I usually like abrupt endings. I just don't think it would work.