Regarding the Acquisition of Hats

[Drewbacca]

Doesn't the end with the man walking through the crowd, faceless enough of a pull back to reality? I really enjoy the ending a lot with him simply walking anonymous amongst the people.

[Sqoon]

Doesn't the end with the man walking through the crowd, faceless enough of a pull back to reality? I really enjoy the ending a lot with him simply walking anonymous amongst the people.

Honestly, no. I like the idea of the ending, but in execution it's not enough. I still find it rather abrupt. And the man is still the center of attention, so whatever impact the real world has is dilluted.

Seeing the children he tormented in the real world would go so far (and as said before, it only has to be like 2-4 pages of silent scenes/spreads before we see the man in the cafe) to pull everything together, and all without being too tidy or putting a bowtie on it.

[Drewbacca]

Interesting. I think I like the idea of a series of silent scenes towards the end to draw it back. You are a scholar, Sqoon, but you lose points for not making your feedback rhyme as mine did.

[Scourge]

I disagree with Sqoon on all points and even thought before Andrew suggested it that the last page be kept but the cafe page be nixed. That last picture is really strong. It's much more suggestive of anything Sqoon wants to be obvious about. It allows the reader's imagination to wander without being told what to believe or without being too specific. Sqoon's assuming too much of what Rezo 'should say' and his suggestions are tantamount to a rewrite, or at least introducing themes the author didn't necessarily intend or want to show directly. I think Rezo knows what he wants to say, and by say I mean in the art and text. Sqoons suggestions I think would lessen the whimsy. Please don't do that.

[Finch]

When i read it and got to the morning part, i thought it WAS the ending, and that's why i liked it that way, without any thought to structure or whatever. The cafe scene was the only part that was weird. He's already the sad empty man, and now it's just a crazy guy in the real world.
The piece IS the dream, the dream isn't part of it. Bringing it back to reality would be too much, since it wasn't there in the first place.
So what Scourge said and Andrew meant.

[Sqoon]

I disagree with Sqoon on all points and even thought before Andrew suggested it that the last page be kept but the cafe page be nixed. That last picture is really strong. It's much more suggestive of anything Sqoon wants to be obvious about. Sqoon's assuming too much of what Rezo 'should say' and his suggestions are tantamount to a rewrite, or at least introducing themes the author didn't necessarily intend or want to show directly. I think Rezo knows what he wants to say, and by say I mean in the art and text. Sqoons suggestions I think would lessen the whimsy. Please don't do that.

I don't see how you can say i'm trying to rewrite the story, when you're suggesting to remove the cafe page which alters the story far more than what I've been mentioning. What I'm motioning for is clarity, working upon what's already present rather than removing and altering the final piece altogether. There's a reason rezo said this story would feel incomplete at the "morning" page and I worked from there (I never stray beyond rezo's mention of the silent spread).

It's much more suggestive of anything Sqoon wants to be obvious about.

What's suggestive about this story? I don't see any moment where the reader is purposely confounded. What I'm doing isn't making things more obvious, because there isn't anything here that's being hidden. What I see here is a story be read outloud and enjoyed, without gimmicks or mind tricks or overt cleverness.

should say'

All I mention are technicalities. Removing an excessive "it" or "and" is simply clearing away the chelesterol.

[rezo]

I don't want there to be more than one silent scene at the end though. I think if I had multiple spreads and showed the kids after they woke I'd probably need some text to accompany it and I wouldn't want go from there and then jump back to the top-hat guy right after. I think its excessive. There's the option of ignoring him and just showing the kids wake up as if nothing happened in one spread and then a silent second spread where they go about their business - maybe they're in the same school or something.

yeah, not really sure of exactly how I'll handle it right now. I'll probably just sit on it for a while.

[Finch]

I don't know why you'd need to show them waking up...

X| It's good as it is, Rezo, it's just the next to last page that strikes me funny, and that's just me. If you like it, keep it. You've got such a good thing, don't sit on it. Take it to Bob Pendarvis. He's an editor guy if there ever was one. He'll give it to you straight. Tell him Finch sent ya. (ha ha, like he'd remember... maybe) There are plenty of great people to take it to where you are(were, will be), don't let it go!

[rezo]

The thing is that I was bothered with the second to last page when writing it. Not entirely, as I ended up putting it in(partly to segue to the last page) but a bit.

Showing the kids would be to show that after the top-hat guy goes through what he does... it doesn't really matter to anyone else. It's about the same idea as the current ending, just presented differently.

When I said I would sit on it its because I'm not going to work on the book again until January. I have a lot of stuff to do after thanksgiving so I figure that instead of trying to come up with something immediately I'll just wait. If I get a really good idea then I'll use it, and if not I'll just go with the best one I have.

[Mzo]

I bet you wanted to have a girl turn into a tree at some point even before you wrote the story.