The 1st TNL Epic: The Search for TeamGO Part 4: E3 Nonsense

**Ragnarok the Red** · 19 Jun 2002, 04:50 AM

Again, couldn't fit entire epic in this space, finishes up on 1st post on thread

OK, guys, its been a month in the waiting, but I was finally able to find the time to sit down and punch up the next part of the epic tonight. Please read and enjoy, post thoughts too if you want, I like to hear them

Oh, but before we continue:

Post here if you STILL wanna be in the epic!

And if you've missed or don't remember anything about the previous parts, check 'em out here to refresh your memory or see what you've been missing out on!

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

And now, on to the epic!

(As we last left you, team TNL, now almost fully-assembled, made their way to a barren part of North Dakota, to the secret warp point to Dinosaurland, home of Jedi Master Yoshi to seek advice of the sinister goings on. He directed them to E3...)

Yoshi: Now, get thee to E3!

Others: With pleasure!

(...where the fanboys are sure to lose track of their mission amidst all the lurid temptations. Honestly, I know your a Jedi Master and all, but what are you thinking?)

Yoshi: Question not the ways of the Epic, Narrator.

(Whatever. Anyhoo, we open at the curtain finding the assembled members of Team TNL having just arrived at E3 and standing in the Los Angeles Convention Center lobby...)

Team TNL: *all having simultaneous rapid, repeated orgasms*

(OH DEAR GOD, MY EYES!!!)

Yoshi: Calm down, give them a few minutes, its always like that at first. Here, I'll use the Force to wipe that image out of your memory.

(Oh, thank you! You are truly the master...)

Yoshi: I know...

*10 minutes later*

Bahn: *still quivering* OK...ok...third time for me. How about you guys?

Aurora: That was my first time...will it feel like that again?

Ragnarok: My first time too...I dunno, Aurora, that might be as good as it gets.

Nick: No, its just as good every year. We're like lovers who keep coming back for more despite the abuse.

Nash: Anybody got a cigarette?

Brand: Oh, dear, is my heart ever beating...that was better than...

MVS: What?

Brand: Umm...nothing, dear.

Klonoa: Better than seeing you naked, thats for sure!

MVS: Shaddup.

88mph: I'm gonna get some tissues, anybody else need some?

EThugg: Get me a bunch while your at it, I have a feeling when I get to the Microsoft booth, I may just need the whole box...

Master: Remember, while we're here, you don't know me.

EThugg: Bitch!

Master: Skank!

Mr. K: Ladies, ladies, please...

EThugg & Master: WHAT?!! UMM, I MEAN...HEY!

Bahn: Look, lets just split up for now, there are some things Nick, burgundy and I have to do with regards to the site, you guys go look for clues, or something.

EThugg & Master: *already halfway to MS booth* WHAT?! WHAT WAS THAT?

Bahn: *groan* Just....try not to get too distracted, fellas, stay focused, remember, Yosh said we'd find the answers we're looking for here.

Despair: If thats the case, then why don't you help us then?

Bahn: Hey! I got a website to run here! Sorry, Des, but bidness is bidness...

Despair: Bidness?

Korly: We're New Yahwkers man, remembah?

Despair: Ah...

Chux: Ummm, Bahn, before we start going around interviewing people, maybe you should consider changing first...

Bahn: Why?

Chux: Well... *sees businessman in Lara Croft outfit walk by* ...nevermind.

Ragnarok: OK, guys, lets go into the show. Everyone got some tissues on 'em, just in case?

Others: Yeah.

Ragnarok: Good, cuz the Konami booth looks like the first thing on the show floor, and I think I see Castlevania: White Night Concerto and...a couple 2D Contra games from here.

Others: *faint*

Ragnarok: Well, crap.

*another 10 minutes later*

Ragnarok: Think we can stop the random losing-of-consciousness here?

Rick: STFU

(Now, still on jelly-like legs, they make their way out onto the show floor, eyes quickly glaze over and puddles of drool start forming on the floor.)

*yet another 10 minutes later*

Master: DAMMIT! Lets stay focused here guys, we have a job to do, its not fair that the rest of TeamGo has to miss out on the fun!

EThugg: I know, thats what's so great about it!

Master: Shut it. C'mon, lets search for clues here....guys?

(At the Konami booth...)

Seik: Shidoshi! Hey, wait up.

Shidoshi: What?

Seik: Its about earlier, back in Chi-Town, we were at the arcade discussing about who could potentially have kidnapped TeamGo single-handedly.

Shidoshi: Yeah...and?

Seik: Well, you sounded funny when I mentioned he was from the Terry Bogard school of fighting, you reacted like...it triggered something. What is it?

Silent Shidoshi: ........

Seik: Come on, its just the two of us, tell me!

Shidoshi: ..........OH MY GOD!!!

Seik: WHAT?!

Shidoshi: DDR 8TH MIX!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!! *giggles like schoolgirl and scampers over to machine*

Seik: *sigh*

(Elsewhere, at the Working Designs booth...)

Bahn: C'mon! Spill the beans, Vic! What OTHER games are you working on besides Growlancer 2 & 3 and Goemon? Why did you cancel the localization of Cosmic Fantasy 3? Why the fuck wasn't the Casino Game part of Arc the Lad Collection?!

Victor Ireland: Ahhh...ummmm....

Burgundy: Bahn, your, uhh, scaring him...

Bahn: Hey, you don't like my in-your-face style of interviewing, tough!

Nick: Bahnny, Bahnny, Bahnny...you have to use more tact than that. Oh Vic!

Vic: Y...yes?

Nick: If you tell me what I want to know I'll give you these hentai illustrations from Satoshi Urushihara...

Vic: Ohhhh...me want, me want!

Nick: Then you will tell us what we want to know!

Vic: YES, ANYTHING!....but only if you throw in those tissues too.

Burgundy: Ewww...

Bahn: Impressive Nick...most impressive...just one thing.

Nick: What's that?

Bahn: If you EVER call me "Bahnny" again, I WILL BREAK OFF YOUR FINGERS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR RECTUM!!!

Nick: Yessir...

Burgundy: Bahn, your scaring Vic again.

Vic: *cradling himself in corner*

Bahn: Oh, grow some balls, Ireland!

(Elsewhere, at the Microsoft booth...)

EThugg: HOLY SHIT!

Master: What? What is it?

EThugg: Heeheehee...I got a green S-controller!

Master: You lucky fuck...

EThugg: It was just sitting over there.

Master: Sitting over there?

EThugg: In some corporate suit's briefcase, he didn't want it, so he
gave it to me.

Master: He gave it to you?

EThugg: Well...umm...

Master: *gives Thugg the evil eye*

EThugg: Ugh...don't...look at me like that...

Master: *continues to glare*

EThugg: OK! OK! He didn't exactly GIVE it to me, I, err,
suppose "took" would be the more operative word...

Master: ETHUGG!!!

EThugg: Oh, come ON! You know the fucker's just gonna put it on eBay once he gets back to his fancy-ass laptop at the hotel!

Master: That's still no reason...

EThugg: Come on, baby, don't tell. AH'LL SUCK YO DICK!!!

Master: God, give me strength...

(And over at the Capcom booth...)

Despair: *Ebony & Ivory drawn, pointed at Capcom exec* DAMMIT! I
KNOW there's a playable copy of Devil May Cry 2 SOMEWHERE around
here, NOW WHERE IS IT?!?

Scared Shitless Capcom Exec: S..sir...thats not...

Despair Jr.: Dad! Its over here, behind this curtain that
says "Absolutely NO Admittance"! And it looks fun!

Despair: Good work, DJ. As for you, take a little nap. *taps exec on back of neck with Ebony's handle, he falls to ground like a sack of potatoes*

Despair: Uh-oh, looks like someone's coming over here, better find a disguise... *leans over, picks name tag off of unconscious Capcom employee and pins it to trenchcoat*

E3 Attendee: Wow! They even got people dressing the part of Dante over here! Capcom is just too cool!

Despair: Uhh, actually, my name's not Dante its... *looks at nametag* Levi Strauss?

Attendee: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Funny too! OK, bro, just gonna grab a few of these fliers here. Thanks!

Despair: Capcom employees and their senses of humor... *flicks nametag off* OK, son, move over, its Daddy's turn!

(And now at the Square booth...)

Square Employee: I'm sorry sir, the Ragnarok spell won't be available to cast in Kingdom Hearts, such a devastating, death-causing spell has no place in a Disney game.

Ragnarok: Really? Well, I'm about to put YOU somewhere YOU have no place... *POOF*

Square Employee: Huh? Where am I? THE ENIX BOOTH?!? OH SHIT!!!

Enix Employee: Hey! What the fuck are you doing here?

Square Employee: Hey, screw you, Final Fantasy for life!

Enix Employee: Grrr...thats it, Dragon Warriors, get him!

Square Employee: *Seven armor-clad booth babes and dudes jump him* WAHHH!!!

Nash: That is just cruel, bro...

Ragnarok: MWEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!

(Meanwhile, Wildcat is taking a break from the festivities, eating at the food court.)

Chibi Nappa: What the hell is that?

Wildcat: A teriyaki chicken bowl.

Chibi Nappa: God, that looks awful. Were they throwing them out or
something and you were strapped for cash?

Wildcat: Umm...actually, it was six bucks...

Chibi Nappa: WHAT?! For that?! God, the rice looks like it was
cooked in sewage water, the vegetables consist of wilted and brown pieces of lettuce and cabbage, the chicken looks like its been sitting in a puddle of animal excrement for the past several hours, and the the teriyaki "sauce" has the appearance and consistency of used engine grease...

Wildcat: ....just lost my appetite I think.

Chibi Nappa: Thats a shame. Hey, you gonna finish that?

(Elsewhere, in the handicapped stall in one of the less-used bathrooms...)

S I C: *sat Indian-style, communicating telephatically* Master, its as I feared, sending us here has caused the members to lose focus, their off galavanting and generally having merriment instead of concentrating on the mission as they should be.

Yoshi: Yes, my young Padawan, I anticipated this.

S I C: Huh? Master, if you knew this was going to happen, then why did you still send us here?

Yoshi: Because I wanted everyone to have a chance to relax and enjoy themselves, to prepare for the trials you are about to face.

S I C: Well, thats very considerate of you, but what about the clues we're supposed to be looking for here?

Yoshi: Don't worry, you won't have to look for clues, in time, the clues will find you...

S I C: .....that made absolutely no fucking sense.

Yoshi: Shut up, who's the master and who's the apprentice here again? Know your role, Jabroni!

S I C: *sigh*
(Now at the Nintendo part of the show...)
andyrose: You know, it amazes me how few people here seem to know how to play a Resident Evil game. Generally, you'll wanna put some distance between you and a zombie before shooting, oh, and you'll also wanna TRY to escape when their munching on your shoulderblades like that...

Aurora: Actually, I'm letting them do it, its kind of turning me on...

Silent andyrose: .......

Brotherman: Gimme that controller!

Aurora: Oh, Brother, I love it when you get rough!

Brotherman: First of all...don't call me "Brother" it makes it sound as incestuous as it does deviant. Secondly, let go of my bicep.

Aurora: Is that a "let go" or a "rub it down with some lotion while your at it"?

Brotherman: Its a "let go now 'fore I break my wingtips off in yo ass, ya skinny white boy!"

Aurora: *pouts* Your no fun...

(Back at the food court...)

Chibi Nappa: I'm gonna be sick...

Wildcat: Then you should've listened to your own in-depth analysis of the teriyaki bowl and not eaten it...

Chibi Nappa: I didn't think it'd be eating my stomach from the inside out like that live squirrel I once swallowed whole...

Wildcat: ....do I even wanna know?

Chibi Nappa: Hey, when you live with Rick, your lucky to get a couple saltines and some canned red beets once in a while. You know the whole time you were incapacitated at our place the only thing we fed you was REALLY watered-down grape Kool-Aid?

Wildcat: Well, hell, no wonder I wasn't recovering.

Rick: Hey, Nappa, get over here! They have free mustard and ketchup packets over here, and some club crackers we can spread 'em on!

Chibi Nappa: Later 'cat! *speeds off*

Wildcat: *sigh* Think I may just get in on some of that... *ears perk up*

Voice: Wildcat....Wildcat...

Wildcat: Eh? A voice?

Voice: Go the distance...

Wildcat: Huh?

Voice: Go the distance...

Wildcat: WTF, 'the distance'? Be a little more specific will ya?!

Voice: ....go to Agoura Hills, dumbshit...

Wildcat: HEY!

Voice: ...Agoura Hills....Agoura Hills...*fades away*

Wildcat: Agoura Hills...isn't that...

Shidoshi: Yes, where the Gamefan offices used to be...

Wildcat: AHHH!!! Shidoshi? What the...did you hear the voice too?

Shidoshi: Of course, we all did, it was over the PA system!

Silent Wildcat: ......

Chux: Aww, poor widdle Wildcat doesn't have psychic powers...

Wildcat: HISS!

Chux: Wahhh!

Bahn: Well, its obvious where we need to go now. Team TNL,
assemble! This has been a fun little diversion, but now its time we get down to bidness.

Shidoshi: Agoura Hills...Gamefan...the Arcadia of my Youth...what do they have to do with what's going on...

(And Team TNL, after a day of relaxation at E3, pile into their vehicles and carpool to Agoura Hills, where they hope to find answers to this mystery...)

**Ragnarok the Red** · 19 Jun 2002, 04:52 AM

ED NOTE: BONUS EPILOGUE!!! (or the rest of the Epic)

(They arrive at their destination, and park just below the cliff where the office building Gamefan Magazine once occupied, and start climbing on foot.)

Korly: *huff, puff*

EThugg: Shidoshi, why the hell are the GF offices located at the top of a cliff!

Shidoshi: Err...Haohmaru enjoyed the view.

Mr K: Oy...

Bahn: OK, guys, we're nearing the top of the cliff, I think I can see the building!....what the...

S I C: May the Force help us...

(As Team TNL reaches the top of the cliff, they behold before them a horrible site. Gamefan's former office building, or what's left of it, lays in shambles, almost completely destroyed.)

MVS: Who...who did this?! Who would do such a horrible...

Brand: Hey! I see someone over there in the ruins!

(A lone, cloaked figure stands amid the piles of broken concrete, next to the last portion of the building still standing. Suddenly, it rears back its fist, which bursts with an ethereal flame, and hammers the wall, and the last portion of what was once Gamefan Magazine's HQ disintegrates.)

Shidoshi: It was YOU! YOU DID THIS, YOU BASTARD!!!

????: Mreheh...

Wildcat: *shudders* That laugh...

????: Mre... *turns around and hood falls from face and onto shoulders*

Shidoshi: It...it can't be...

MVS: Wildcat! Is this the one...

Rick: Is this the one who kidnapped TeamGO, is it...is it HIM?!

Wildcat: *swallows hard and slowly nods*

MVS: No...why?!

Shidoshi: E....ECM?!?

ECM: Mreheh...

(To be continued....D'OH!)

**Nash** · 19 Jun 2002, 05:09 AM

damn, i was hoping for the man in the cloak to be vampire lestat. c'mon, unless he's wearing stilts, everyone should have known it was ecm from his height.