If you're gay.
Going straight for the throat: I defy anybody to tell me the story in Commando was not horrible. I defy anybody to tell me that Commando was not amazing.
Watch the scene that defines the movie - 2000 dudes with a clear shot at Arnold failing to land a single slug while he exterminates every one of them - and tell me that was driven by the story.
Edit Commando to replace every single act of violence with a single unceremonious shot to a bad guy's head and tell me it wouldn't be an awful movie. The story stays exactly the same. All you do is edit the violence to be as quick and uneventful as possible removing all spectacle and related one-liners. It sucks then, right?


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