Literally Will Blow Your Mind

[Cheebs]

Your two misuses conflict with each other. So it is wrong to use literally if the statement is either figurative or not? In what instance would it be correct to use literally as an adjective/adverb?

You own a black sheep named Jimmy: Jimmy is literally the black sheep in the family.

You turn in your final exam with one minute left: I literally waited until the last minute.

For whatever reason you conduct an experiment on the mechanics of a cookie breaking under pressure:
That is literally how the cookie crumbles.

You drop a boulder on two parakeets:
I literally killed two birds with one stone.

You fail to answer the bridge keeper's questions three and are cast into the gorge of eternal peril:
You were literally too stupid to live.

You crash a boat into the Beaverton dam flooding the town below:
I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Stan: No! I broke the fucking dam!
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.
Stan: I literally broke the dam!
Man: I broke the dam.
Man: I broke the dam.

Someone is in a horrible accident and really has to have a baboon's ass grafted on to their face:
Your face is literally as ugly as a baboon's ass.

I fuck your mom:
I literally fucked your mom.

[Shine]

I couldn't careless about the word literal. So, instead I am inferring that this thread literally sucks.

Figuratively speaking ... posta.

You're literally careless about your use of language, and I could, literally, care less, but I won't in this case.

[MarkRyan]

I could of screwed the proverbial pooch if I tried to make another "literally" joke.

Yes, you could of.

[Nash]

I couldn't careless...

Because you're always so careful!

I could of...

I hope this was intentional.

Edit: Looks like the joke's on me.

[Frogacuda]

Bill Burr does this constantly and it drives me nuts.

The misappropriation of "proverbial" is really widespread too. People will say something like "looks like the proverbial cat is out of the bag." There is no such proverb, it's just a figure of speech.

[burgundy]

bill burr is a comedian

[MonsterMash]

Damn, you guys already wore out all of the literally jokes.

I could of screwed the proverbial pooch if I tried to make another "literally" joke. It's just so ironic that I wanted to make a "literally" joke and you guys made to many of them already. But is "literally" really the penultimate writing sin? I'm sure their are worse.

[Doc Holliday]

I have not been paying attention to this thread; can someone sum it up in a few words for me?

[Nash]

I have not been paying attention to this thread; can someone sum it up in a few words for me?

[Advocate]

Literally the proverbial cat is out of the figurative bag.