Yeah, so, like I said, the whole column thing probably wouldn't be a weekly thing. As a matter of fact, it's getting close to being a monthly thing. Kind of like menstruating, only with more bloodshed. I have to apologize to Nick, though. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him to expect that the column would come back. Actually, I didn't see it either, but I bet he looked happy and I bet he thought I meant soon. Owned.

I'm so out of the loop, though, since I've been working all week, and so this column is going to be filled with a lot of really old commentary on even older news stories. I hope you'll still respect me in the morning.

Nintendo Announces Follow-up to Super Nintendo; Named "Ultra 64"

Kidding.

The Next Level, Fifth-Anniversary Special

Yeah, so five years ago some people started some site. Then, in February of 2003, I came to work for the site. Then it became important. The end.

In all seriousness, I'd like to thank guys like Jacob (Kenshin), Andrew (Reno, God), Chris (Bahn), and everyone else who made the site possible and gave me a place to call home. Most of all, I want to thank Nick, though, not just for hiring me, but for making the site what it is and for making everything of mine that he edits just that much better.

Here's to five more years, and to generating revenue and paying me.

Sony PSX

What? I must have missed something. Suddenly, game systems have to play games and do everything else. I don't understand why a game system has to burn DVDs, be a karaoke machine, and record television. I've always been fine with my gaming consoles just playing games. Yes, it was cool when the PS2 came out and it could play DVDs, especially considering that the ratio of good DVDs to good PS2 games was at the time like 30,000 to 0, but I never asked it to burn them too. Sony totally slipped this one past me too. I am a proud member of the Sony Gamer Advisory Panel, and I don’t remember them asking me about the PSX, or getting the "What do you think of this stupid idea?" e-mail.

Assuming that this is just an ill-fated PS2 spin-off aimed at the rich and stupid, then I don't perceive this as anything that's any worse for the industry than some of Sega's crappy Genesis/32X/CD player/etc. machines. However, if Sony thinks that this is the way consoles are headed, then someone needs to pull its head out of someone else's back end.

Why? Well, first of all, DVD burners run about 500 bucks, give or take. That is a lot of money, and Sony is not Microsoft, willing to take a huge loss on a console. Secondly, the machine has TiVo capabilities. That's not too bad, until you consider that TiVos cost 300 bucks or so, in addition to a monthly fee of 13 dollars. So, not only are we adding cost to the machine itself, but we're also adding a monthly fee right out of the box. That's right, we're one step closer to the console that you have to pay to own. Think that sounds absurd and that Sony would never do that? Well, let me congratulate you for just getting into video games today, n00b, and enjoy your 1000-dollar console that you have to pay to have in your house.

Metroid: Zero Mission Is a Remake

Yep. Zero Mission is a remake of the very first Metroid, so commence complaining. I would imagine there are a million conversations just like this one going on all over the gaming world:

Gamer 1: "Did you hear that Metroid: Zero Mission is a remake of the original?"

Gamer 2: "What? WTF? Nintendo is the suck. Is it too much to ask to let gamers have an original 2D Metroid game?"

Gamer 1: "Huh? There was one like a year ago. Metroid Fusion."

Gamer 2: "Must be too much to ask."

Gamer 1: "I hate you so much."

Seriously, we got the new Metroid first, and now we get a remake, which looks to be new enough to pass for a new game. Besides, most people who own GBAs probably aren't even aware that there was such a thing as an NES, let alone that there was a Metroid game for it. So dry your little gamer eye, I'm sure the remake won't cause you death.

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

Alright, here’s what we know so far.

• The game takes place in the jungle, which is the coolest thing ever.
• You eat things, such as snakes - also cool.
• You are not David Snake, you are Big Boss. At least there's no Raiden.
• You can hang from a tree and shoot.
• There is no radar except for on easy mode.
• There is no Raiden.

Conclusion? This will be the greatest game ever. The fact is undeniable. Eating raw animals + Big Boss + jungle - Raiden = Good. Between this and Twin Snakes, MGS 2 might finally be forgotten, and rightfully so.

On a side note, I know that someone who knows someone from Konami is reading this, so I am going to make a plea.

Please, please, please, please, please sneak in someone saying "I feel asleep." There is no reason why you couldn't, and it would make me buy two copies. Not really, but I'd still really like it. Thank you.

Maybe someone can make a petition to force Konami's hand. I'd do it, but I'm too busy writing for your pleasure.

Half Life 2 for the Xbox?

Half Life 2 is finally-maybe-not-well-maybe-it-is-but-probably-not-but-could-possibly-never-maybe-soon-to-be coming to the Xbox. Great news for all you Xbox owners who love theoretical software! Personally, even though I have an Xbox, I won’t be buying HL2 for it when it never comes out. HL2 and its mods are the only games capable of making me upgrade my PC, and I mostly hate PCs. Tools of the devil.

New GameCube Demo Disc Now In Stores

No, it's not one that you can buy. This time it's one of the ones they put in the GameCube for you to play. However, you probably won't play it, since the guy playing it before you looked really dirty. I haven’t spent a lot of time with it, aside from schooling co-workers in the intricacies of Soul Calibur II, but here are some quick impressions of the games I did play.

Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour - It's as fun as the first Mario Golf. The camera is kind of glitchy, but the release is still a month off, so that could change. There are quite a few selectable characters in the demo - though I'm not sure how many, since Yoshi is all a man needs. You can play on either a normal course or a Mario-style course complete with pipes and all the Mushroom Kingdom-ish atmosphere.

Soul Calibur II - It's the same demo as on the Preview Disc. Only Nightmare and Cassandra are selectable, but it's still a nice taste of the best fighting game to come onto a console until Virtua Fighter 4: Evolution.

P.N. 03 - Play it only if you hate yourself; I'm not joking. The controls are horrible, and that basically ruins anything good about it.

Sonic Adventure DX - Again, same demo from the Preview Disc. The game is either worse-looking than I remember, or the port just didn't go well. Too bad, as SA is far from a horrible game.

Anyway, if I get a chance to check out any more of the demo disc, I'll just keep it to myself, since the next column thing won't be out until every game on the disc is already a Player's Choice title. I'm also out of stuff to say, so I'll see you just about the time that the next generation of consoles are released.

As always, stay tuned to The Next Level for more self-help and bitterness.

· · · AFX