To either your pleasure or dismay, but more likely to your overwhelming indifference, I've roared in with a second iteration of my column against all odds and distractions.

I apologize for the brevity - it's not like these were the only headlines worth making fun of this week. I'm sure there are even more ridiculous things going down that I haven't even heard of. But, since I've been marooned at my girlfriend's parents' place for the week with a .4 bps dial-up connection and can't access any gaming news site with flashy graphics, you'll just have to imagine what I could do with a movie about The House of the Dead. You all have great imaginations . . . I'm sure I'd be hilarious.

So . . . on with the mostly fake news.

Snake Beater

After Hideo Kojima's introduction of the new one-eyed protagonist of Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater at E3, the gaming community has been stealthily sneaking around the net for more crucial details. The man who made Raiden the focus of Sons of Liberty, eager as always to please his fans, released more information on the sequel earlier this week. He promised enhanced AI and network capabilities, as well as realistic jungle effects like loud, crunchy leaves, trees the player can climb, and vermin the hero can hunt and eat for health regeneration.

Kojima also hinted at a new Metal Gear first - vehicle control and possibly combat in an old, beat-up looking Ford pickup truck. While not specifying further details about the specs or look of the truck, the director did mention that at least one of the truck doors would be a different color than the rest of its body. Kojima also vaguely referred to Snake Eater's apoplectic final scene, where Snake will infiltrate Woodstock to fend off the musical stylings of a pre-KGB Revolver Ocelot with nothing but a guitar and a pack of cigarettes.

2K, Or Not 2K

GameStop seems to believe that Sega's annual NFL 2K football series will be getting a titular overhaul, beginning with this year's ESPN NFL Football. The move comes after last year's NFL 2K3 scored a touchdown with critics but got sacked at retail, moving only a tenth as many units as Madden NFL 2003. Even with a one-month delay, Sega seems to hope that its upcoming offering will meet with as much success as the last football title bearing the ESPN license, Konami's ESPN NFL Primetime.

Of course, Konami released Disney Sports Football at the end of last year. Disney owns both ESPN and ABC. ABC employs John Madden as both a color commentator for Monday Night Football and a purveyor of unusually-endowed turkey drumsticks. Add in the recent EA-Sega merger whispers, and we have a recipe for collusion. In fact, market analysts are already predicting a pitched battle down the road between Donald Duck, Dennis Miller and the Cincinnati Bengals Present Piss Poor Pigskin and NFL GameDay 2005.

More Treasure to Treasure

A Japanese publication recently revealed that celebrated developer Treasure is developing Bandai's Dragon Drive, a rail shooter in the Panzer Dragoon vein based on an upcoming anime series. While the game is slated for a late-year GameCube release in Japan, plans are still unsettled on a domestic release, or even a title. Unconfirmed reports originally indicated that Bandai executives were leaning toward A Great Shooter You Gaijin Bastards Will Just Ignore. TNL, however, has a world exclusive on the American boxart here.

Adventures Through Time

Famitsu reported that Hudson Soft will be remaking Bonk's Adventure, the TurboGrafx hit, and Adventure Island, the NES adaptation of Wonder Boy. Both titles will release for the GameCube in Japan, following next month's Lode Runner and Star Soldier. Hudson will also be releasing a time-travel peripheral for the Cube that will transport gamers back to 1989, when they might actually be interested in these games.

Acclaim: CEO Hunter

Software publisher Acclaim announced Monday that Rodney Cousens had been appointed the company's new CEO. Cousens had been awarded the position after winning a long-running contest/PR stunt organized by the company's marketing department. Apparently, Cousens camped out outside Acclaim's headquarters in New York dressed as Vexx for over four months and played Mary-Kate and Ashley: Sweet 16 on GBA without a single utterance of profanity or any witticisms such as "Akk! Lame!"

While some have speculated that co-founder and former CEO Gregory Fischbach stepped down because of bleak sales and a dismal financial forecast, reports from inside Acclaim paint a vastly more licentious picture. Fischbach allegedly rode a bicycle into work one day topless before firing a rocket at a retarded boy he had hired to urinate in the lobby's central fountain. He remains a co-chairman and a member of the Board of Directors.

CNET Pwns GameFAQs

After weeks of furiously bumping its "This or Seanbaby????" thread, online news conglomerate CNET has finally succeeded in marking GameFAQs for assimilation. The site's founder announced the deal late Tuesday evening, promising that the change of ownership will only benefit the world's most comprehensive resource on gaming information and that the site will remain free. In response, CNET merely replied "1st!!!!1"

OMG He's Everywhere

Insider sources report that veteran TNL troll and rookie editor OMFGninjas may be close to achieving his lifelong dream - the singlehanded destruction of TNL. Allegedly, Editorial Director Bahn, irate that OMFG hasn't produced any content since 1995 apart from various verbal beatings, pressed the issue with EIC Nick, who swore in broken Greek, threatened to quit, and then did. Faced with the loss of online enthusiast gaming journalism's version of an atheist Jesus Christ, Bahn is planning to shut the site down in celebration of its fifth birthday. When asked about his future plans, OMFG mentioned that he hopes to infiltrate and destroy Neomega, though he wouldn't rule out starting his own site with longtime friends and colleagues AFX and Jeremy.

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Anyway, I might be back next week, or I might not. Such is life. In the meantime, go play some games.

· · · Burgundy