Masters: Well, here's our TNL debut. I bet a lot of people are going to be pissed to see that Bahn let us off of the boards and onto the main page.

omfgninjas: I wasn't pissed, I was confused. I didn't know TNL had a main page.

Masters: Yeah, it took a few minutes for Nick to explain it to me.

omfgninjas: So I guess we're supposed to do some generic year-end review, right?

Masters: I was thinking of just doing a review. You know, reviewing the year or something. Something informative.

omfgninjas: "2002: I Like Games"

Masters: Hmmm...maybe we can just talk about the games of the year, and toss out a few opinions on the big stories of the year.

omfgninjas: We could, but that's what the other 300 gaming sites on the Internet are for. I'm pretty sure TNL's even going to have their own year-end round-up. Anyway, I don't want to do that, because that takes too much energy.

Masters: Yeah. Good point. We could talk about the Best Game of the Year that Isn't Released Yet, Panzer Dragoon Orta. "omgomgomg it's gonna be the best game EVAR!111"

omfgninjas: I think that one fits more under "Upcoming Game Annoying Sega Fanboys Won't Shut Up About of 2002 but is Really 2003."

Masters: Or the "God, I Can't Believe Game Informer Only Gave it a 8.25. Don't They Know It's The Second Coming?" Game of the Year.

omfgninjas: I'm sure Orta's going to be great and all, but it really isn't anywhere close to the "Best Game of 2002 that was Released in 1998," Tenchu: Stealth Assassins. Man, that game rocks. It was the Best Game of 2001, 2000, 1999 and 1998 too, that's how good it is.

Masters: Much better than the "Game of the Year Mario Was Ashamed To Be a Part Of," Super Mario Sunshine.

omfgninjas: I'm sure even Toad was upset to be a part of that game. I imagine that Nintendo was planning the game two years ago saying "Okay guys, Mario's games have all been the best games of their generation and have always set the standard for other games to follow. This year, we break all the rules and put Mario in the buggiest, most irritating game possible, because the kids love that kind of stuff."

Masters: I liked Sunshine, in all seriousness, but I'm sure Toad is just happy that they aren't killing him off . . . yet. Besides, after playing Metroid Prime, I can forgive them for making Sunshine sub-par.

omfgninjas: Metroid Prime, "Best 15 Hours of Nothing But Backtracking in 2002."

Masters: And "Game That Officially Made It So That I Can't Look At a PS2 Game Without Getting a Headache Ever Again" of the Year.

omfgninjas: I don't know, I think Metroid Prime looks good, but I'm not sure. I couldn't really tell considering that half of my screen was full of useless crap that just made it hard to see. You can go in the options to turn the crap off, but when I tried that, the damn visor was still in the way of the options screen.

Masters: That never bothered me. I always just accepted it as being part of what made the game so immersive. I'll grant you that Sunshine was broken, but I have no complaints about Prime.

omfgninjas: You're such a fanboy. I was also going to cry about how the elevators in Prime are incompatible with all GameCubes because they make the system crash nearly every single time you get on one.

Masters: Well, that might be why I don't have any complaints. I was blessed with the one copy that never locks up. I almost wish it did so that my Xbox and PS2 wouldn't have to feel so different.

omfgninjas: "Best Game of 2002 That Hates You": Morrowind. "Hey, this is awesome! I'm in a cave killing some rats or something for no reason, but I can live with that, because killing rats is cool! You know what else is cool? This game just crashed on me for the 23rd time tonight! I love life!"

Masters: "For Games That Crash Until You Hate Life, Nothing Beats the Power of X."

omfgninjas: That reminds me of the "Best Game of 2002 That I Think I Like, But I'm Not Sure, I Haven't Played it Yet": Splinter Cell. I think it's awesome how every Xbox fan I know forces that name into my brain. I love viral marketing.

Masters: I'm playing it right now. It's my "Yeah, The Lighting is Nice, But It's Still Just a Game, You Idiot; It Isn't the Space Shuttle" Game of the Year.

omfgninjas: XboxRoX0rs had confirmed to me that Splinter Cell wipes me after I take a dump and even refills the roll with that soft, pillowy paper that makes taking dumps a delight. I don't know how I couldn't like this game. He also told me that the upcoming PC, PS2, and GameCube versions were all made by Hitler, so I know to stay away from those.

Masters: How wise. I'm sure the PS2 version will look just as good as the Xbox version, except that it will only be one level, and three discs long. The GameCube one will probably be able to keep up too, except that rather than kill your enemies, you will be required to "talk it over" with them, and "open up a dialogue."

omfgninjas: Hey, do you know what this Megaton thing is?

Masters: I have a really strong feeling that it's going to be Shigeru Miyamoto coming out in a pair of those old style military glasses, tapping a stack of papers against the podium, and saying "I love the glasses." Then, he will leave, and then Satoru Iwata will step up, and he will indeed confirm: "He loves those glasses." And then the internet will explode. Every gaming website will have "Shiggy Loves The Glasses" splashed over their pages.

omfgninjas: Good prediction, Nostradamus. I'm going to review the Shiggy glasses the first chance I get. "Awesome graphics! 10/10!"

Masters: Message boards will explode with Nintendo fans going "w etold u it was gonna be big! he loves teh glasses!11" It's going to be great.

omfgninjas: So is that all? The pizza delivery guy has been standing at my door for about 20 minutes now after I told him to wait because I was talking to some guy online about toilet paper and Shiggy's new glasses. He probably expects a big tip, so I'm just going to give him GTA: Vice City, because that game is total ass.

Masters: "If I Say It's Great Enough Times I Might Actually Start To Believe It" Game of the Year. I traded my copy in for Prime. Your pizza is going to be covered in spit the next time you get one.

omfgninjas: Probably. Oh yeah, the best game ever came out this year, Shenmue II, or at least I think it did. Microsoft never really told me if it came out or not. I assume not, since I didn’t notice the media blitz that I was assured would come with the game’s release.

Masters: It’s out. See, it has filters in it now. That’s why Sega had to pull the rug out from under all of the Dreamcast fans, they needed that filter technology.

omfgninjas: I see.

Masters: Yeah, so one second everything looks realistic, and the next it’s in black-and-white. It’s really pretty amazing. And by that I mean that Microsoft has crapped all over the franchise and buried it further.

omfgninjas: Indeed. We should probably end this now before everyone gets bored and leaves the main page for good. Any predictions for 2003?

Masters: Yeah. Shiggy’s glasses will sweep the nation, and Shenmue III will be released, published by Microsoft, and only available on CD-ROM for Windows 3x, and in a limited print run of 10 copies, each of which will be a plain black cover with “Microsoft rules!” in big, bold, white letters.

omfgninjas: That would be funny if it weren’t so possible.

··· Back to the Introduction