There were three things I was worried about when we all left for the 300-mile austral drive towards the Los Angeles metropolis and E3 2003 (and thus, my big opportunity to give Maximo vs. the Army of Zin several fly-throughs):

1. Thanks to nature of Silicon Valley living, where price gouging and extortion are a natural extension of life, I couldn't afford to print The Next Level business cards. (Fortunately, we were able to print up some flimsy makeshift cards at a Staples on Vermont Avenue, though the cards would burst into flames if you brought them into direct sunlight.)
2. I was going to miss my first episode of 24 this season! (After searching for the Fox channel for a while, I was able to see the last five minutes of the episode, ending with Keifer Sutherland having some kind of heart or digestion problem. I assumed he had a bad burrito.)
3. I was going to Los Angeles, the place where the air is the color of toast and whiskey, and the only major advantage it offers over any other Californian city is the ability to turn left on a red light. (What? I still don't like the place.)

Everything You Wanted to Know About Booth Babes*
*but Were Afraid to Ask

The lure of the booth babe is much more enigmatic than I ever originally imagined. Of course, there's the eye-grabbing external attraction (they're like squares of white on a black canvas), but who has time to stop and pose and take a photo when there are games (like Maximo) and monkeys and pandas roaming around? I don't think masturbation even comes up as a factor since, most likely, with any picture you take with a booth babe, you're going to be crowded around by big game aficionados, where the body odor and testosterone practically waft off the Polaroid film. Personally, my feeble imagination can't quite isolate all these girls from the rest of the world onto my own private personal paradise, and my scanner sucks and I'm not good with Photoshop at all.

But still, it all comes down to tradition, I think. Along with the salmagundi of glitz and flash and excess, there has to be the booth babe, and there has to be the proof that you got within two inches of her, all part of the electronic entertainment heritage. It's very similar to the "1337 speak" that's everywhere on the Internet; nobody thinks it's cool or funny anymore (unless you're part of Mega Tokyo), but it's become an ordinary part of online nomenclature. And that's what booth babes are: a tradition of the shutterbugs, of the search for the most attractive one, and of the inflamed male sex organ.

But just to show I'm a good sport: here's a picture of Bahn and me with the girls of Dead or Alive (Bahn has the other Polaroid, taken a few seconds earlier than this one, but I hope he doesn't scan that one since I think my head's tilted in a funny angle). Notice the I-wonder-if-I-can-still-demand-refund-from-the-modeling-agency look on their faces . . . though I shouldn't make such comments since they can all probably beat me up.

Annual Halls

I noticed the big fad of the non-Maximo games in the halls of the Los Angeles Convention Center was that a lot of developers are looking to give the player choices and options on how to go about the levels (usually loud and violent or quiet and sneaky), and are making that a big selling-point of their games:

Bits Studios' Rogue Ops, a third-person espionage title, allows players to pickpocket guards for keys and gadgets (like an RC fly-camera) that can distract guards and lure them away from their posts. One part of the game involved descending a spiral of stairs that were blocked halfway down by some green lasers. If you didn't pickpocket the guard with the key card, you could try your luck by edging across a thin scaffolding.

Ice Nine, being published by Bam! Entertainment, is a FPS which will feature the ability to drag bodies around, though its primary focus will still be on action.

With All or Nothing, Electronic Arts is taking the Bond franchise further than it has in years. Not only will it offer both the likeness and voice of Pierce Brosnan, branching levels, and opportunities to sneak around your enemies, but it'll be third-person, with a really great new feature of rappeling down and having fire-fights right on the sides of buildings.

Thief and Deus Ex: Invisible War, the two cult PC sequels, both made an appearance at E3. Thief, which Eidos seems reluctant to call part three for some reason, was only in video form, while with Deus Ex, I had absolutely no clue what to do.

Metal Gear Solid, the series that made it cool to sneak around in fruit boxes, had two separate appearances: Metal Gear Solid 3 and Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes. The latter is a remake of the original MGS, completely revamped by Silicon Knights. The former is obviously the third in the series, and videos and trailers of it so far have made no sense at all.

As for my personal awards:

Best hardware: Sony's Eye Toy. The peripheral that puts your image on the TV screen and lets you play mini games like swatting away flying nuns with your hands. I just pray Konami doesn't release Air Guitar Freaks.

Best playable game: Maximo vs. the Army of Zin. Seriously, this game could be about a Grim Reaper-transforming warrior that kills robots with a huge bank of intuitive combo maneuvers, and I'd still love it.

Best non-playable game: Half-Life 2. Naturally.

Top Five Editor's Picks:

1. Maximo vs. the Army of Zin
2. Resident Evil: Outbreak
3. Ape Escape 2
4. Mojo!
5. Sonic Heroes

Hollywood Ending

One last note before I wrap this up: I was actually a little disappointed with the type of swag that was there. Sure, I got The Incredible Adventures of Wallace & Grommit DVD and Iridion II (and don't get me wrong, I'm really appreciative), but I was hoping that there'd be some plush animals around. Or at least a deluxe Sims doll house.

And so closes my brief trip to Southern California. I wasn't able to see Gary Coleman (or any celebrities at the show, for that matter) but there was a guy at the Rockstar booth who looked a lot like Albert Brooks. So yeah, that's the good stuff.

Oh, and here's a picture of me with Resident Evil Outbreak director, Eichiro Sasaki. I usually try for a Buster Keaton in all my photos but he was a really fun guy to talk to.

· · · Sqoon