The graphics in the game are ugly. Very ugly. There are more sprites in this game than there are in the court of the Fairy Queen. For those who complain about how they can't see anything because of the fog distance in a N64 game, they would feel totallly blind in this. The only two items that come close to representing what they're supposed to be are your gloved hands holding a weapon and the animals...at least, the animals sort of look like animals when they're dead on the ground. When alive they're just a black pixel blob with four legs. I'm thinking that they could have gotten better graphics if they used the old Build engine that powered Doom.

The sound isn't much better than the graphics. The music consists of pseudo-Western guitar (except the intro movie music; that's a cross between Country Western and Marrylin Manson). Sound effects are cheesy and low quality. One thing that I found particularly amusing was that the sound that a deer made was the exact same sound effect that a dying llama made in Ultima Online, an online-only RPG created by Origin in early '98. Another thing that I did not find amusing about the sound is the neverending diatribe coming from the large mouth of Ted Nugent. I can safely assume that even the most radical of hippies would think that he's a complete nutcase.

"Welcome to reality my friend," quoth he as I enter the hunting zone. "We are blood brothers of the Spirit." If this is reality then I wish to end it here and now.

"Welcome to the Campfire of the Great Spirit Warriors." Judging from the tone of his voice, I would think that Mr. Nugent was stoned several times over at the time of the recording. He is also required to use the word "spiritual" at least one or three times in each of his many sentences (someone please tell me what's so spiritual about shooting a goat in the head with a magnum).

And last and surely least, gameplay. The control scheme is the worst I've seen in my life. There are three setups to choose from, and all of them require that you possess at least four hands because the keys are scattered all over the keyboard in the most unintuitive way possible. In the game you can walk, run, creep, and climb up ladders to observation platforms. However, the walking speed is more like a creep, and the running speed is a slow walk. Climing a ladder consists of stepping in front of it and pressing the climb key, which in turn radios Scotty to beam you instantly up to the top of the platform. There are five areas for you to hunt in, all of them are equally ugly and badly rendered.

There is a slew of equipment that can be bought at the trading post between hunts. Weapons consist of a .44 mag revolver, a .308 bolt action rifle, a 12 gauge shotgun, a recurve bow, a compound bow, and a crossbow. Each of them are more or less equal because you will frequently miss your target anyway, even at ranges of five feet. Once you draw your weapon and bring it up to aim, the screen will promply start to drop, a pathetic and over-exaggerated attempt at simulating arm fatigue. You don't so much as aim as wrestle with the mouse because you'll be looking at the ground in 1-2 seconds after drawing your weapon. Oh yes, never draw your weapon and take one step forward while holding down the "run" key; you'll be penalized for running with a weapon. =P

Other helpful items include hunting tags ("Bring home some tasty grizzly!" reads the grizzly bear tag. Who the hell eats bear and wolf?), animal scents, such as Doe Estrus and Buck Drippings (yum), animal whistle calls, binoculars, camo uniforms, and super biltong gonzo meat!!! Now, I'm not exactly sure where the "super" and "gonzo meat" parts come in but for those who don't know, biltong is like beef jerky, only its made up of dried cow or bull buttock and tongue (yes, I'm serious). The biltong gives you a "health and speed boost to get away from attacking animals" but I think that throwing the stuff at them would be a much more effective way of using it; it would also double as a weapon that way.

To help you in your futile quest to find fun in the game (and to take up more hard drive space), you can read and watch video clips of Ted's (useless) Tips. Here Ted will show you such things as hunting recipes and the proper way of holding and firing a bow, nothing of which has any impact on the game whatsoever. Scoring consists of how many and what type of kills you make (but only if you have the proper tag). Penalties consist of running with a loaded weapon, shooting property, poaching, and--get ready for this--falling off a cliff.

"I'm sorry sir, but I'm going to have to penalize you 25 points because you fell and broke your neck in four places."

In the end, there are only two good things that a gamer can get out of this game. One is the overwhelming feeling of happiness that you get when pressing the Uninstall button; uninstalling never felt so good. The other is that you have a new coaster to add to your collection of AOL CDs.

Oh wait, I forgot one more thing. If you actually finish the entire game, you get to wear the grand title of "Whackmaster". Now what can be better than that?

· · · Mithril