"Muah ha ha! Welcome to an exercise in pain and agony! An agony so deep and fierce, that only the blackest of black mages would dare unleash it on the world!

"You see, many years ago, I was in my shop concocting ways to rain negativity down upon this world. Sure, I had all of my super spells, like Ice 3, Death, and even the almighty Warp! However, those spells never satisfied me. Sure they were bad, but I was capable of much worse. Just then, I read an article in Yellow Pointy Hats Quarterly about this new thing called video games. Many children and adults alike were playing these games as if they were mere toys. They opened their hearts and minds to these video games without so much as a care. 'This,' I thought, 'I can use.'

"So, I brought out my big evil-mage's pot, and I began to throw in ingredients. First, I threw in a cup of having to walk around a lot. Secondly, I put in some story, but I ran it through a malevolent strainer, so as to remove any compelling elements. I was on a roll! I dumped in a whole bushel of clichéd dialogue, and on top of that I put in some uninspiring enemies. Then, a heaping cup of uninteresting main characters who never talked. I put myself in there as well, just because I could, and because I'm cute. Lastly, I tossed in a generous handful of frustration, caused by having to bring your party members back to a town whenever they die.

"My work complete, I took the spell and tested it out on a cute little bunny. It was good, but not great. Something was missing. I thought, and thought, but nothing foul came to mind. Well, a lot of foul things came to mine - I mean, I am evil - but not the right one. Deciding to let it go until the morning, I went to sleep. During the night, I had a dream that I was walking, a lot. That alone was bad, but the weirdest thing was that every two steps, a poorly drawn enemy would suddenly appear from nowhere. The enemies were never difficult and the battles were never engaging, they were just really annoying, and they happened all the time no matter where I was. I woke up in a cold sweat. Eureka! That's what I was missing! Sure, I had a lot of walking in my game, but what if things just appeared out of nowhere to annoy you every two steps. Now that would be evil!

"My spell . . . I mean game, was complete. It was a most potent mix and its effects were a mixture of Sleep, Slow 2, and Death. Knowing that no one would willingly play such a creation for long, I donned a costume and began telling human children that you weren't cool until you beat the game. It worked like a charm. People bought it in droves, and nearly every one of them finished it, many even finished it several times. Humans are so stupid.

"How stupid, you ask? Well, they actually clamored for a remake of the game nearly fifteen years later! Not only was it malicious and harmful, but now it was also stale - and as any black mage can tell you, stale magic is powerful magic. Despite the forty-six evil sequels and spin-offs, they still wanted to play my creation. Imagine that, despite the fact that I had evilly tried to go out of my way to make them hate my series by making half of the games interesting and then following up each with one twice as boring and three times as long, they still wanted more. Luckily, Squaresoft, the pinnacle of EvilWare, made it happen.

"The remake was originally created for a wicked Japanese handheld known as the WonderSwan Color. It's dead now, as is every other system that's had a Final Fantasy game on it. Coincidence? I think not . . . muh ha ha. Ahem, anyway, very little has changed with the new version of evil. The graphics are prettier, which earned one of our programmers a dose of Ice 2, but that's pretty much it. As much as I loved the boring environments I created for the original game, and as bad as it was to see them looking nicer, my team at Square gave me something much, much better. Even though everything looks more pleasant, there's a little bit of loading every time you enter a new area, map, or menu! Brilliant! It's not enough of a loading time for you to actually complain to anyone without looking like a whiner, but it's more than enough to be completely irritating all of the time! You can also give your characters longer names in this remake, so there's more room for profanity!

"Now, if you aren't familiar with the first Final Fantasy games, there are a few things you need to know. First of all, I hate you, and your genitals are small and/or malformed. Ha! I'm so EVIL.

"Actually, there's very little you need to know. If you've ever played a non-wicked role-playing game, or one of my other hateful creations, you pretty much know what to expect here. Elemental spells, saving the world, upgraded weapons and armor, and cute black mages are all you should expect. It's a basic 'save humanity' tale with a lot of fighting and fetching items from different dungeons. And of course, each dungeon is ready-made with a dastardly, annoying boss to fight. Aside from that, you pretty much just walk. Yeah, sometimes you can take a boat, or a canoe, or an airship, but you still just basically go from one task to another. Aside from that, the game is all about praying. Praying that it's over, and praying that you can make it to the next doorway without another random battle. Ha!

"All in all, Part 1 of Final Fantasy Origins is just as evil and tedious as I intended it to be, despite the addition of an Easy mode, so you need to buy it right now. Muh ha ha . . . I mean, yeah, buy it. (snicker)"

Yes, thank you, Black Mage. Now, to be fair, I had to let the White Mage give her take on Final Fantasy II. Well, to be fair and because she threatened to hit me with Dia2, which . . . well, nevermind.

"Greetings, my child! I come to you with virtue and love pure!

"You see, after the Black Mage created the original Final Fantasy, I knew I had to do something to counteract his terrible darkness. After a bit of thought, I decided to create Final Fantasy II, a game sprinkled with goodness and bunny rabbit ears! And don't worry, I didn't hurt any bunnies, I just borrowed their cuteness. Hehe.

"You see, unlike the original game, II doesn't have any sort of profane leveling-up system. You simply get rewarded for performing actions, and rewards are righteous and good! So, for instance, if you use a sword a lot, you will become proficient with it, and if you use an Ice spell a lot, the spell will become more powerful, get it? I set it up this way so that even getting hurt by a bad monster is good, since it raises your endurance and hit points. Yay! Besides that, I also put in a word memorization system, which allows you to remember specific words so that you can ask certain characters about them later in hopes of gaining more information. Hooray for more character interaction!

"Also, this time around, instead of picking from a group of different nameless, faceless characters to adventure with, such as a warrior, thief, monk, or my favorite, the white mage, you are given a party of people with their own identities and who can even talk. They also have names, although Derek named his 'OMG,' 'WTF,' 'LMAO,' and 'ROTF.' I don't understand those names, but I still love him. Each character is his or her own glorious being, and you get to pick and choose who's responsible for the white magic, black magic, fighting and so on by giving characters specific spells and armor.

"Unfortunately, the black mage's spell was a tough one to break, so the second Final Fantasy still has some of the evil of the first game. Random battles abound here, and there's a lot of walking and gameplay that's so linear that it's borderline criminal. The game frowns on exploration for the most part, and it's got the classic 'Wow, every town has weapons and armor better than the last - amazing!' Final Fantasy feel to it, which is something that my light magic just cannot crack. The story is also as cliché as the first one, although I managed to squeeze a bit more personality into it. And of course, much like the conversion of the black mage's piece of dirty garbage, the graphics on Final Fantasy II are cleaned up a lot, too, for Origins, so they look as pretty as I could have imagined! You may also know that that dirty mage prevented my game from coming to the United States the first time around, so I'm happy to see you United Statsians feeling my love and tender care!

"I'm sad to say, though, that my creation hasn't aged as well as I might have liked it to. Pretty CGI movies and flashy spells are part of the appeal of the eighty-five newer Final Fantasy games, and while both these remakes have a few special CGI portions, that may not be enough to keep the modern video game player satisfied. I think I'm about to cry . . .

"Fortunately, the beautiful Square company has added some really lovely new features to my game, as well as to the heathen's game. The Memo Save feature allows you to quick-save the game from any point. Watch out, though; if you turn off the console you'll lose your Memo Save! Oh no! There's also a dash feature, which makes all the walking you have to do a bit more painless, at least when you're in town or in a dungeon. My game is also a bit easier this time around, and you have more room in your inventory, so that you can carry a lot more potions, flowers, or candies. Yay!

"There's also a bestiary and there are some other nice additions to both games, additions which unfortunately might make people like the game . . . um . . . I mean 'Yay!'

"So, overall, my game is sweet and pure and beautiful, so you must buy Final Fantasy Origins right now. Muh ha . . . I mean . . . yeah, you should really buy it . . . sucker. Yeah, that's right, it's me, The Sultan of Sin, Black Mage! I had you so fooled, stupid human. Final Fantasy II is as bad as my game! I am the pinnacle of all things wicked! HA!"

Um, okay. Well, I'm not sure that I agree with the Black Mage's ideas of these two games being the peak of darkness, but they are definitely not for everyone. Origins should be considered a nostalgia trip only, unless you're a newer fan of the genre who has a lot of patience. These games simply haven't held up well over the years, and some nice upgrades don't really do much to change that.

I did grow up with Final Fantasy, but it wasn't necessarily something I needed to relive; though, playing a real version of II was a nice treat. The graphics are better, the sound is better, and as I said, there are a few extras, but it's still the same old game. Final Fantasy Origins would have been a fantastic GBA game, but as a PlayStation game, it just doesn't fit all that well. Buy it only if you long for the past, anyone else will probably use the Flee command after just a couple of hours.

· · · AFX